Reality Check

So something happened to me yesterday at work and I want to talk to you about it. There's alot of back story which I'll try to keep brief, but I probably won't. This is going to be a long one, so get a cup of coffee and sit down for awhile.

There are five people in my department - all women - and we're like sisters. We're in and out of each other's classrooms constantly, we share stupid jokes, we commiserate (sp?) and celebrate together. We make fun of each other and support each other. We're mates, get it? In 2004, one of my friends in this department had a baby. He was disabled, but no one would know how disabled until a couple of years later. This took such a toll on my friend. She was off work for nearly a year, trying to put things in place to help her son. While she was off work, I went on maternity leave and had my son. During this time we all tried to be supportive for her. We tried to help her see the positive side of life. We were a shoulder when she needed it, we'd laugh with her and cry with her.

Four days before I was due to go back to work, we met for coffee with the boys. She was tired, frustrated, and angry. Her marriage was on the skids - her husband made it clear that because she was the one that wanted the baby, his disabilities were her problem. She didn't know what to do and was exhausted.

Two days later, her boy died. He literally just fell asleep and died. He was two years and four months old, exactly the same age my son is at this precise moment.

Anyway, the past two years haven't been easy. He died in July 2006, and it was February before she came back to work. She was on and off work for a long time after that, and we all did our bit to cover for her professionally. Personally, we were all at a loss. How do you comfort someone who's lost their child?

So we've just passed another September, and another start to the school year. She is determined that she is going to put on a brave face and get back to life and work. She's getting on with it and I'm proud of her, but I know that she's struggling. She's putting on one hell of a brave face. As for me, I have survivor's guilt. I know that. I have a son that is healthy and robust and doing all the things her son could never do. I don't talk about him around her. A couple of weeks ago she said, "Vicki, you can talk about him. It's okay." But I can't, because it's like a slap in the face. During this same conversation a couple of weeks ago, she told me that she and her husband are considering reversing his vasectomy so they can try for another baby. I thought that was a mistake but I didn't think it was the right time to say that.

Fast forward to yesterday. We both had a free period at the same time, so I went into her classroom and said, "Okay, you're full of shit. I know that you're struggling and I want you to tell me about it." So she did. She talked about her marriage, her daughter (she's 10) and how she's coping with the loss of her little brother, the possibility of having another baby and why that might or might not be a mistake. I know that she wants to have another baby because she is trying to fill the space her son left. I also know that because her daughter is 10 and becoming a young lady and independent, she has nowhere to channel her energies. I told her that if she's looking to fullfil herself as a mother, she's done that, because her son left this life a happy boy who knew that he was loved and wanted. And what happens when that other baby grows up and she's looking for somewhere to channel those energies again? Was it fair to involve a third person in her grieving process? She nodded in agreement and then she said, "Vicki, I envy you."

What???

She said, "You have it all. A family, a job you love and take pride in, a hobby you enjoy, a husband who supports you and believes in you. You have it all. I really envy you."

Okay, I realize that she's right, and what shocks me is that I never thought I'd live a life that someone else would envy. My life isn't anything remarkable, but to her it is. It made me stop and think for a minute about all the things in my day to day existence I might get wound up about. It made me think about how sometimes we moan and bitch about how sucky things are. But I have my son and she doesn't have hers. My daughter is happy and isn't trying to cope with the loss of her little brother. My husband is my best friend, and she's thinking of leaving hers.

Talk about a reality check.